I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
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Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
We avoided this particular disaster