I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
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The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Only a mother’s love …
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.