@ANastyGorilla: I'm thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
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@EricaWhoToYou: Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad. Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
@MikeCanRant: There is no law that says you can't smoke celery inside public places. What are they gonna do? Ask you to extinguish your celery? Doubtful.
@MrMichaelRose: *seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*