@ANastyGorilla: I'm thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
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@Book_Krazy: Me: Hi. Can I help you? Him: I'm here about the wanted ad for the one night stand Me: Great. Where is it? Him: What? Me: The nightstand.
@LoveYoorFate: It's like my Uncle said, no body, no crime Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was...
@caseytduncan: If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler's hand.