@ANastyGorilla: I'm thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
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@david8hughes: "Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn't going to fly." "Dude, that's a bike with a blanket on it." "My best efforts."
@BigBagOfScum: the restraining order doesn't mean we can't hang, it just means I can't be within 50'. We could still play catch or frisbee or something...
@Brentweets: I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
@aka_fatman: *writing résumé* Strengths? I'm great at multitasking *explosion in kitchen* My popcorn! *car crashes through fence* I forgot I was driving!