I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
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Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
me and my fake scenarios
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.