At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
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Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
#JohnTravolta
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.