so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
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Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.