Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
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the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Tier 3 meme
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?