“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
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WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
My friend is an excellent librarian.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.