I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
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Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Challenge accepted.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap