@MissMalbec: I'm the drunk sheep of the family.
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@bobvulfov: FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
@MrAdamBez: *gets sentenced to 25 years in prison* *opens twitter app* *looks up* *being released*
@SpenceDen: Me as a kid: I'm bored. What my parents heard: "I would like some manual labor please."
@heatherlou_: My house is clean so please don't eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.