I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
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Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t