89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
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At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
👾👾👾
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
#merica
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!