I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
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every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Very good news from my accountant
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.