@andytwined: I'm the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.
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@SamGrittner: *opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes* "Wait. Then that means-" [cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
@TheRealNickKay: WIFE: I can't believe you ruined my birthday yesterday ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn't even know it was your birthday
@ManJuggs: If I ever go to prison, I'm gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.