I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
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I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
How all things should be taught/explained.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
#CatsOnTwitter
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.