I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
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When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.