I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
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Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?