im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
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Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister