im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
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The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat