@david8hughes: [steps off crosstrainer] "Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I'm fitn--" "Shall I call an ambulance?" "Please."

@joeyhuggles: I take all of my relationship advice from Animal Planet.

@patrickmarkryan: If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

@SvetySveta: Daughter made me a dish: Me, swallowing: Mmm, it's so delicious! And even smells like strawberries! Her: It's because of the shampoo.

@StarWarsProblms: Luke: Did you get the card I made you? Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful. Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.