Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
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one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I feel it
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
new record!
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.