I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
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[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
good for her
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Check out the legs on this baby
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed