I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
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Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
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Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”