INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
You Might Also Like
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments