@iGreenMonk: I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
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@thenatewolf: *holding my crying child* Me: I know, earthquakes are scary. So maybe next time you'll be good and I won't have to make that happen again.
@theshantilly: Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me "Where the hell are you?"
@PunLovinLad: The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died His family are taking it really hard
@XplodingUnicorn: When my wife does our daughter's hair: "How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?" When I do her hair: "How about a hat?"