I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
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A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Still cracks me up
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.