I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
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mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Don’t we all.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters