@jferg1616: I'm the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
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@Home_Halfway: *guitarist breaks guitar* HELL YEAH *drummer throws drums* YES YES *singer stabs a bunch of guys* OH MY GOD *bassist plants a bomb* STOP
@LadyJanieGeek: Came downstairs to find my 85 year old mum watching the TV Me:" Why are you watching Thatcher's funeral?" Mum: "Just to make sure"
@RuinMyWeek: [God & his assistant making giraffes] ASST: Say "when" once the neck is long enough, k? *God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
@LaziestCanine: [on intercom] Pilot: does anyone know how to land an airplane? asking for a friend, i swear