I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
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I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja