@ianabramson: I'm the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
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@abhorrent_wife: Taught the 5yo to say "totes magotes" to annoy my husband who can't figure out why the kid keeps yelling, "COACH MY GOATS, DAD!" Nailed it.
@david8hughes: Reporter: are you nervous about the fight? Me nervously: no Reporter: he said he's going to 'rip your heart out' Me crying: but I need it
@Marcmywords2: When I was younger, I was so stupid, I made bad decisions that will haunt me for the rest of my life. And by "younger" I mean yesterday.
@SortaBad: If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room