@ianabramson: I'm the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
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@SodomyClown: The worst feeling in the world is being in love with somebody that knows how to untie rope and run away while you're napping.
@QwertyJones3: [College admissions office] "Sorry sir you can't transfer your street cred for college credits" ME: that's wack
@KKAlThani: "Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?" - how waiters should greet people
@BlindChow: DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light DOG DRIVER: it was gray! COP: no, it was gray! DRIVER: gray! COP: *starts barking* DRIVER: *barking*