I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
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Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”