I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
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October already? What’s next? November????
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
The pen is writier than the sword.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.