I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
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[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.