I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
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Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Cool shirt 🙂
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?