@tastefactory: "I'm the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit" "Not anymore" New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
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@missekay: People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don't understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
@ValeeGrrl: 6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I'LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE Husband: *dies laughing*
@Book_Krazy: Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want. Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? Him: Fishing
@BuckyIsotope: Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?