@tastefactory: "I'm the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit" "Not anymore" New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
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@Sam19eighty: Mom: I'm worried you might end up alone. nMe: Don't worry mom, do you know how many followers i have???nMom: ... ( Worried face)
@dinaliz2: it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you're لزيقة for the next three years
@HeyZeus666: I'm no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
@SodomyClown: The Nationwide commercial didn't make me feel anything but I once dropped my chicken nuggets and cried for an hour and forty minutes.