@philmann: I'm the opposite of a bee keeper. I lose bees all the time. I left a hive on the train today. Just accidentally threw a bee at a nun.
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@wilw: I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
@johnbiehl: Who him? Oh that's just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter- *saxophone solo* INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
@_NinJar: I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
@lurve_meh: They say kill 'em with kindness but it's much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.