Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
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An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out