Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
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“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward