I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
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The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.