I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
You Might Also Like
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Wait a minute
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
mumsnet is amazing
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?