Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
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Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Heroic Misunderstanding
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
“and how does that make you feel?”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets