Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
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5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks