@TheQuietPsycho: I'm "the VCR was heavy enough to bludgeon a large farm animal" years old
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@Home_Halfway: [God inventing iguanas] Maybe humans are done dealing with dinosaurs, but ants aren't
@huntigula: Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me? Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
@Fred_Delicious: [everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt] "No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon"
@thatUPSdude: Turns out if you fake a heart attack every Monday work sends you to HR and not the hospital.