Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
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“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts