I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
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I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
“you changed” bro i was 15
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
want me to check your oil?
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*