“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
these two trucks have the same bed length
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!