Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
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me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Me too 😆
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?