I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
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My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I’m already scared
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.