I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
You Might Also Like
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Finally a use for spoilers…
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do