I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
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This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you