“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Breaking news:
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.