I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
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Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
is this meant to deter me
Sticker placement is key.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!