I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
You Might Also Like
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
58.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point