@UnFitz: I'm thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
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@BillPelicanBros: A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children's Home...so I gave him my kids.
@morninggloria: A confusing chart has led me to believe we are spending exorbitant amounts of money surgically transforming people into fighter jets
@audipenny: person texting me: hey I'm outside me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON