“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
You Might Also Like
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
#oldknees
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy