I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
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my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
The best shot in the history of golf
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.