“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
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shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
A friend sent me this.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?