“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
You Might Also Like
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Tastes like chicken.
Spa day..😅
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.